


Just Blink

by MercurySkies



Series: A Ghoul's Guide to Life, Death & Afterliving [5]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Lazy Mornings, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Morning Cuddles, Morning Sex, Nightmares, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-04 22:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15156506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercurySkies/pseuds/MercurySkies
Summary: He wants to be able to feel his warmth, his happiness, his love. But all he does is blink.Living with this isn't easy. But he wants to try, all he can do istry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please proceed with caution if depictions of mental health issues upset you in any way.  
> Obviously, this is fiction and nothing in this story is intended as a reflection or commentary of their real life counterparts.

Blink. All he can do is blink. He’s watched the indigo light of the night, tinged orange from the street light beyond their bedroom window fade to deepest blue, then grey, then the weak yellow of morning sun. All he does is blink. He registers the warmth of Ryan plastered against his back, the warm weight of his arm curled protectively around his waist.

He wishes this could be the morning he wants it to be. He wants to wake Ryan up with a smile, kiss him long and slow and breathless. He wants to hold him beneath the covers, let his hands caress lush, warm skin until Ryan arches lazily into him. He wants to fuck him, rock into him slow and aching and listen to his sleep deep moans and whimpers as he watches the rising sun bless his body with a hazy, slumber rich glow. He wants Ryan’s laugh against his neck, his fingers in his hair. He wants to be able to feel his warmth, his happiness, his love. But all he does is blink.

He stares unseeing as the shadows move across the room. The sound of distant traffic and Ryan’s rhythmic breathing sets his teeth on edge even though in truth it is quiet, barely audible. He doesn’t check the time. He doesn’t reach for water though his mouth is dry, made claggy and thick when he swallows. He doesn’t move. He just breathes and blinks.

Eventually, Ryan begins to rouse, snuffling against Shane’s shoulder blades and burying a yawn against his pale skin. Shane feels his stomach drop. Asleep, Shane can’t disappoint him but he’s awake now, a hand stroking Shane’s belly, short nails scraping teasingly through the hair at his navel. Shane doesn’t move. “G’morning.” Ryan mumbles, nosing at his nape, voice heavenly and hoarse from sleep. He kisses Shane’s neck but pulls back when Shane shifts away slightly, doesn’t reply with his own greeting.

Guilt gnaws at Shane, flinching away from Ryan’s touch when in truth he wants to move closer. But it’s instinct, to back away, to flinch, to detach and distance himself. He can’t seem to speak, throat bobbing painfully with the desire to talk but no words managing to escape. He. Just. Blinks.

He feels Ryan pull away from him, hauling himself up to his elbows so he can peer round and see Shane’s face. “No dice today huh?” He says simply and gratitude rushes through him at how Ryan takes these days in his stride, how despite how it hurts him to see him like this he is endlessly understanding. He’s so fucking kind and Shane questions whether he deserves it every damn day. Ryan starts carding his fingers through Shane’s hair and he manages to make his body loosen a little, tilts his head back into Ryan’s hands just a fraction. Ryan notices. He always notices the little things. “That’s okay.” He reassures “Try and sleep some. You wanna try again and get up a little later?” He asks and Shane nods. Ryan places a kiss to his hair before moving a way, worming his way out of their bed to start his Saturday whilst Shane blinks at the nightstand.

Ryan talks to him, keeping his voice soft and quiet as he goes about preparing for his day. It’s calming, familiar and he feels less isolated hearing the shower run and then hearing Ryan’s running commentary of what he’s going to wear, what he plans on doing. Before he leaves Shane to rest he rounds his side of the bed and kneels. He looks at him fondly, hand reaching up to brush the hair tenderly from Shane’s face before his palm cups his cheek. Shane watches impassively, feels a gnawing empty ache in his gut but he tries to smile, just the corner of his mouth twitching upward. Ryan’s answering smile is beatific, like the poor excuse for a smile is a treasured gift he’s ecstatic to receive. He kisses Shane’s forehead with a whispered ‘I love you’ before getting to his feet and leaving the room. Leaving Shane to rest or to blink once more at the wall.

He manages to drift for a little while, however reluctant he is to succumb to sleep it envelopes him anyway. Initially it’s bliss, that comfortable oblivion, sanctuary. But the dreams come, that endless train, soulless eyes and panic, pure and cloying and then nothing. The nothing is almost worse, acutely aware of the loneliness, the nothing and no-one surrounding him. He could be in any scenario, any normal wacked out dream and he’d still feel it, pervasive emptiness as the world around him continues to spin and spin and spin. At least in his nightmares of Hell he can feel, agonising though they are. He gasps, kicks out a leg and feels it snag in the sheets. He’s awake, so suddenly he’s dizzy with it and any vestiges of rest, of peace, he may have garnered from sleep falls from his grasp as he blinks his eyes open. He blinks. Stares at the bedroom ceiling that’s now painted with golden stripes of afternoon sunlight.

There’s a knock at the door and it opens to reveal Ryan, a glass of water in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Shane tries to smile at him. He manages. “Hey big guy.” Ryan says quietly. He looks soft in the afternoon glow, a faded grey t-shirt that really belongs to Shane and a pair of sweatpants. “Hi.” Shane croaks out, tapping the bed with nervous fingers. His voice sounds foreign to him, weak and something in him tells him to speak as little as possible. Ryan quickly sets the drinks on the nightstand and climbs up next to him, rests his head on his pillow so they lay facing each other. Shane finds it hard to meet his eyes. “It’s around 1, have you taken your meds yet?” He asks, brushing Shane’s stubbled cheek with the back of his hand. His eyes flutter closed and he shakes his head no. He savours the sensation for a moment before he breathes out a sigh, shifting and pulling himself up against the headboard as he rummages around his cluttered nightstand for the pills. Ryan hands him the water silently once Shane has shaken the capsule loose from the bottle. He swallows with a gulp, chugs half the water before flopping down against the pillows once more.

Ryan wiggles closer tentatively and Shane tries to smile again in encouragement. He knows it looks a little blank, his eyes a little glassy. He can feel it too, can’t muster the energy to do more than hold out an arm for Ryan to snuggle under. He wants to be close, it’s the weekend, a wonderful stretch of free time lies before them but Shane just can’t shower him with the affection he wants to and it frustrates him. Ryan’s fingertips trace his face, down to his clenched jaw and he sighs, knowing nothing he can say will change how frustrated Shane gets with himself when he feels like this. “Can I kiss you?” He asks earnestly and it makes Shane want to cry, he can feel the tears start to well in the corner of his eyes and he squeezes them shut tightly as he nods. The kiss is careful, sweet and chaste and Shane can feel the adoration in it so intensely that he shakes a little with it. He curls an arm around Ryan’s shoulder’s pulling him closer until Ryan is draped across him, pressing his body into the mattress, grounding him. When Ryan pulls back he’s smiling tenderly, his thumbs wiping away the tears that’d slipped free. “Hey shh it’s okay” Ryan says and Shane hiccups a little, smiling in spite of himself. He can’t find the words, his mind still blockaded by an uncomfortable nothingness. He just blinks slowly at him and Ryan seems to understand, settling back down on his chest, holding him close as Shane blinks up at the ceiling. He’ll try again in an hour. Then he’ll try again, and again, and again.


	2. Chapter 2

Blink. All he does is blink. His eyelids flutter open to see their bedroom, already bathed in muted golden hues, early afternoon sunlight slipping in through the gaps in the curtains. Everything is warm. He blinks sleep away dazedly, snuffles against his pillow as he rubs his bearded cheek against its soft surface. He slowly becomes aware of Ryan’s warmth pressed against him, kisses dusted across his shoulders, so light they almost tickle. His hand pets idly at his stomach, bordering on teasing as fingers brush against the hair on his navel.

He wishes he could wake up like this every day. Wake up slowly, wrapped up in an embrace that’s warm and sweet. He hums, sleep deep and content and feels Ryan huff out a breathy laugh against the nape of his neck. The palm on his belly drags across his skin to squeeze at his hip and Shane’s hum devolves into a groan, arousal dripping through his veins like honey. This is already a better beginning than last weekend. The kind of morning he longs for on his darkest days.

He’s more himself, more present and he feels warm all over with how truly happy and loved he feels in this moment. “Mmm hey big guy.” Ryan’s sleep deep voice rumbles against his skin and Shane can’t help but shiver, his cock twitching at the sound, the steady skim of Ryan’s calloused palm across his hips, his belly, his thighs, the feel of his own hard cock pressed against him. Shane resists the urge to wiggle and instead turns over, letting Ryan pull him close and slot them together. He blinks slowly as Ryan’s face comes into view, dark heavy lidded eyes and messy hair, a lazy grin that always has Shane’s heart pounding. “Hi” Shane mumbles, grinning right back. Ryan’s fingertips reach up to play with Shane’s unruly hair and he feels his eyes droop. He could happily drift back to sleep, Ryan threading deft fingers through his hair like he’s some kind of overgrown cat. He’s still distantly aware of his half hard cock but he could take it or leave it, content enough just nestled in Ryan’s admittedly delicious arms.

“Sleep well?” Ryan asks, voice almost a whisper as he trails his hand from Shane’s hair to his jaw.

“Like the dead.” Shane replies, smiling with his eyes closed. Ryan slaps his shoulder.

“You’re the worst you know that?” Shane can’t help but chuckle, his chest feels light and bubbly like champagne.

“Hmmm I beg to differ” Shane says tracing patterns with his fingertips on Ryan’s hip beneath the sheets. He squeezes, pulls him closer. They’re nose to nose and Shane loves the way Ryan goes cross eyed as he tries to look at him reproachfully. “You’re trying to distract me,” Ryan mutters “we talked about you making jokes about that.” His voice is a little petulant, bottom lip sticking out ever so slightly. Shane kisses it, growing impatient. He pulls Ryan’s leg over his hip, long fingers digging into a glorious thigh and he rolls his hips once, a slow, salacious drag that makes Ryan gasp.

“You can pry humour as a coping mechanism from my cold dead hands,” he pants as Ryan winds his arms around him, “and even then you’d have some trouble.”

“What have you got to cope with right now?” Ryan says accusingly, raking a hand down Shane’s back. He shivers, eyes fluttering closed with a hiss.

Ryan rolls them, using the leverage he has on Shane’s hip to land Shane flat on his back in the middle of the bed. The display of strength steals his breath and when he opens his eyes it’s to the sight of Ryan straddling him, tan skin almost glowing in the afternoon sunlight. The stripes paint his skin in strips of light and shadow, wrapping around him like ribbon, bound in gold. His hair is a fluffy mess and sleep still clings to his features even as his hard cock juts against his abdomen. “I have to cope with the fact that my boyfriend is too hot.” He says, voice hoarse and his hands fly to grip at Ryan’s thighs as he starts rocking against him lazily. Ryan cackles, throwing his head back as his hips continue to twitch against him. He’s so fucking gorgeous.

When Ryan looks back at him his expression is all heat and fondness and he dips down to kiss Shane breathless. When he sits back up Shane is sure all he’s doing is panting pathetically up at him in awe. “Flattery will get you everywhere babe.” Ryan smirks.

“Good,” Shane croaks “cause I was kinda hoping it’d get you to ride me.”

“Well isn’t it your lucky day then?” He grins lazily, bending down to kiss him again, slow and deep and filthy as he fumbles with the draw of the nightstand. Shane’s eyes flutter shut, sinking into the feeling of the warm bed beneath him and Ryan’s body above him. He only opens them again when Ryan huffs a laugh against his lips clearly having retrieved the lube and amused by how into simply making out Shane had gotten. He blinks his eyes open slowly, smiling despite being laughed at. Ryan’s laugh always makes him smile.

“You okay there big guy?” Ryan asks, a hint of concern in his eyes, still hazy with sleep. He’s out of breath, eyes dark with arousal and Shane can’t believe how fucking lucky he is. The weekend prior had been a trainwreck. He never did make it out of bed, paralysed by numbness, the oppressive hopelessness. Ryan had been there, reminding him to take his meds, reminding him that the world was still turning, that this too would pass. Ryan is here, making him feel like he’s flying, loving him.

“Never better.” Shane mutters, reaching out for the lube but Ryan shakes his head, his grin devilish. He’s intent on putting on a show and Shane can barely process the sight in front of him, mind sleep clouded as he watches Ryan slick his own fingers and arch upward, sighing as he reaches back and sinks down on a single finger. “Fuck Ry,” he says breathlessly, stroking every inch of skin he can reach as Ryan starts to rock back against his own hand, the other bracing him on Shane’s chest, “it’s not even my birthday.” Ryan laughs, panting a little between chuckles as he adds another finger.

“Glad you’re enjoying the view big guy but this isn’t all for you. I wanna take my time.” He trails off into a whimper and Shane pulls him closer, kisses him slow and hungry.

“You could take all the time in the world-” he groans, his own fingertips trailing across Ryan’s ass to his hole, where he brushes across the rim, stretched around three of Ryan’s fingers. Ryan groans shoving himself back onto his fingers and Shane watches his eyelashes flutter with wonder “you could take so much time that my dick falls off and I’d probably still be satisfied.” Ryan laughs again, shakily slipping his fingers from himself.

“Sexy.” He mutters as he reaches for Shane. He hisses at the slick touch, breath leaving him ragged and aching as Ryan sinks down on him, slowly.

They groan in tandem and Shane watches enraptured as Ryan’s lips part on a whimper as he starts to move, rocking slowly. It’s almost torturous but the delicious drag is just enough. It’s so intimate, the world falling away until there is only the man above him, breathy moans tumbling from plush lips as he takes his pleasure slow and deliberate. Shane rocks with him, an instinctual harmony that has heat coiling and building steadily, somehow more intense for the slower pace. Shane watches his own broad palms dance across Ryan’s body, every twitch and roll of his hips making his abdomen clench with mounting pleasure.

The room has a hazy glow about it, half shrouded in shadow but for the dust motes that catch the afternoon sunlight, glinting like the embers of fireworks as they drift downward. Shane drowns in it, the sound of his own harsh breaths and Ryan’s deep moans the only things that pierce the dreamlike state. Still it’s quiet, distant sounds of LA traffic a weird reminder that this is Shane’s reality, this is his life. Ryan’s rhythm falters, eyes heavy lidded with fatigue. His cheeks are flush with arousal but Shane can tell he’s tired, frustrated. Their pace has pleasure simmering beneath their skin but it’s not enough to get them there.

Shane taps at his hip and he doesn’t need to speak for Ryan to understand what he’s suggesting. He slides off of him, a tiny gasp escaping at the emptiness before he flops unceremoniously onto the bed beside him. Ryan makes grabby hands into the air above him where he expects Shane to materialise and Shane laughs, deep and quiet as he rolls on top of him, capturing him in a molten kiss as Ryan curls himself around him, arms around his shoulders and legs about his waist. “What happened to all that stamina you’re supposed to have little guy?” Shane mutters burying his face in Ryan’s neck as he slides back inside. He groans, feeling warmth spread through him as Ryan lets out a satisfied sigh, fingers tangling in his Shane’s hair as he works a mark into his throat.

“Shut up and make love to me or whatever old man.” Ryan grumbles with a gasp. Shane pulls back and smiles down at him, his nose wrinkled at the phrasing. He’s not the biggest fan of the phrase but he is in love and having sex so he guesses it is fitting, even if the words make him cringe a little.

“I love you.” He mutters before kissing him within an inch of his life, fucking into him deep and slow. The pace just enough to have Ryan moaning, long and quiet and desperate.

Their rhythm falters, caught up in chasing their release and Shane mutters loving nonsense into the skin of Ryan’s throat, his head thrown back against the pillows, hair a mess and lips parted on soft, staccato moans. Shane wraps a hand around Ryan’s cock, tries to stroke him in time with his thrusts as he falls apart alongside him. Ryan groans beneath him, seizing up with a shudder and then he’s coming, nails biting into Shane’s shoulders. He fucks him through it and follows not long after, shaking as he comes, relishing Ryan’s soft whimper as he comes inside him.

Ryan laughs at him when Shane collapses, spent, on top of him. Shane grimaces in apology when he pulls out, though not unfamiliar with the mess he knows it quickly becomes uncomfortable. “Great now I have to get up and shower.” Ryan says, snuggling down against their spoiled sheets, face sticky and pressed to the flushed skin of Shane’s chest. Shane runs his fingers through his hair, his heaving chest jolting Ryan’s head with every breath. He feels alive, content. He couldn’t contain the grin on his face even if he tried.

“You only have yourself to blame for that one baby.” Shane mutters dropping a kiss into Ryan’s hair. Ryan huffs, wiggling slightly as he tangles their legs together.

“Wanted to feel you.” He mumbles into Shane’s skin and Shane can feel the heat trying to pool in his belly at the sentiment.

“Excellent idea in theory. Slightly gross in practice.” Shane snickers.

They don’t make it any further than the shower for a long while. Kissing under the spray and taking their time. The bed is stripped and remade before they clamber back beneath the sheets, curled around each other. As he watches Ryan, lit softly by the light that filters through the white sheets they playfully pull over their heads, hiding themselves away from the world, he thinks maybe he’s found heaven.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Say hello on [tumblr](https://mercury-skies.tumblr.com/) if you'd like!


End file.
